Dating S.O.S

Meeting a potential partner through friends and relatives, at clubs or at a bar have not been favorite methods since online dating revolutionized our social lives. Online dating has, without a doubt, made it much easier to ’screen’ potential partners based on their self proclaimed assets, interests and background. Just like meeting someone in a bar you always run the risk the other person is less than truthful about these topics. However, online dating does bring in another issue one should be aware of: the looking good on paper syndrome.

Looking good on paper
Selecting someone you may be interested in online is very much like a manager trying to sift through resumes looking for the right fit for his company. You are likely to base your decision on a variety of related factors, such as hobbies, background, career, religious beliefs (or lack thereof) and physical attraction. Your employer went through the same when you applied for your job, just like you he likely asked himself “is this person a good fit”. You too will be wondering, perhaps even subconsciously, “could this person give me what I’m looking for?”. If you cannot live with someone who doesn’t dance, then there is little chance of that cute guy with two left feet attracting your attention. In a similar way, without the skills and qualifications you have you would not have gotten your current job. This opens an issue that is new to the online dating field, but not so new to business: someone looking good on paper, but not actually living up to it. By this I do not suggest ‘the applicant’ lied. The issue goes far deeper than that.In business the looking good on paper mistake is mostly made when hiring a recent graduate; the manager looks at the person’s perfect grades, impressive reference letters and thinks he found his next genius. In practice though, some of these straight A graduates have no real people skills, do not know their subject matter and were really only good at the college-survival-game and memorization. The manager made a hiring mistake.

Much the same has happened with a variety of ‘online’ couples. In recent years couples who met online have been getting divorced and this leads to the question whether these breakups are different from any other breakup. The looking good on paper syndrome can however be a big part of it. Think about it: online dating is all about presenting yourself in a positive way to the opposite (or same) sex. Some people liberally lie, but that is not what this is about because the liars are usually caught far before they walk down the aisle. A larger number of people ‘look good’ on paper though, while not looking so good in real life. This has nothing to do with misrepresentation or deceit, it is rather to blame on people’s different perspectives on things. After all, what is a “good listener” to one, may not be a “good listener” the another.

Fixing the problem
As mentioned, the problem is not people being untruthful about themselves, the problem however is that people are too quick to judge another person based solely on their “paper record”. Online dating is great for rough screening, you can easily ‘filter out’ potential dates that say they cannot live without certain things with which you cannot live with. It is however a mistake to assume the person writing he is a “great cook” means he/she lives up to your standards of a “great cook”. A person’s online profile can give you a great rough idea about some one’s characteristics, but it does not take away the need to really get to know someone through intensive personal interaction. You may feel like you’ve known each other for years, but it is important to forget you really just know someone based on what they tell you, whether online or in person. If your mom ever told you talk is cheap, she was right. Few people will outright lie, however there will always be a difference between each person’s interpretation and expectations of what is said. Whether there is a difference, and how big it is, you will only know by actually spending time with your ‘ideal candidate’.

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