Today I read an interesting article titles “Marriage and Money: Can Love Overcome Financial Incompatibility?” and I can’t help but link to it and wonder: how much financial incompatibility can someone live with? The situation described in the article sounds like a clear case of financial delusion and a sure trip into debt, bankruptcy and possible divorce… I hate to blame the girl, but from what I read it sounds like it is the woman who does not have a grip on reality, and is living in a dream.

Is it really her fault though, or did her life style given to her by her parents rob her from a sense of reality? After all, she doesn’t need to make ends meet with her own pay cheque.

Perhaps it is easier to be financially compatible once you can be financially realistic. Nothing gives you a better sense of reality than living on your own, without financial help from mom and pop.

This is without a doubt an interesting topic that can be explored endlessly!

After reading this article, and hearing many other similar stories, I’m starting to think financial incompatibility is almost as detrimental to a relationship as sexual incompatibility. At least in finances you can learn to moderate your spending, without feeling a pinch. However, with sex there really is little you can do to change your tastes. Having said that though, money habits can be as hard to break as a ‘undesirable’ mating ritual…

So you messed up… you know you’ve made a mistake and now you need to confess you are sorry. Whether you know you were wrong because your girl- or boyfriend is giving you the cold shoulder, or you just realized it all on your own, it is important to own up to your mistake and restore the relationship.

Simply saying “I’m sorry” is not always enough though. You may very well be sorry, but will you do it again? Have you done the same thing before? If you are a repeat-offender in the relationship game, then your “sorry” will be worth less and less over time.

Even if you have made the same mistakes again and again, if you finally realize you were wrong after all and want to make things right, you can simply change up how you say you are sorry.

How to apologize
Ever heard an apology that sounds a little like this: “I’m really sorry I called you a bitch, BUT…”?
The “but” might be followed with something like “you drove me to it”, or “I was very frustrated”, or a range of other excuses. This, my friend, is NOT an apology. Here you are saying you’re sorry, but you are actually shifting the responsibility over to the other person again. You are not saying sorry, you are instead blaming the other person for ‘making’ you do something you now regret.

You may still be forgiven, but the relationship will never be what it was, or could be.
A better way to apologize and actually restore your relationship, you truly have to own what you say, and mean it. It will depend on the person you are apologizing to in terms of how you will end up phrasing things. However, you will generally say you are sorry for a specific action or comment, and then explain you will try your best not to do it again.

If you are a repeat offender, then just saying you won’t be doing it again holds little value after three times. Your promise will be greeted with the “yeah yeah” it is worth. Instead, explain what you will to do prevent making the same mistake.

If you call your loved-one names, and although you would like to stop it seems you keep doing it again, make sure you distance yourself from a situation where this behavior is triggered. If you yell during fights about particular topics, then take some distance. Go for a walk, clear your head, and only return when you are calm enough to face this issue like an adult and talk it through.

Dealing with the emotional trigger
Having said that, it takes two to tango and if your partner acts like a child during a disagreement, then perhaps you should have a chat about communication skills. There isn’t a thing in the world that really requires raising your voice for, so if your name-calling is triggered by her yelling, then although you have to own up to your mistakes, you still need to find a way to peacefully discuss a hot topic. That’s for another article though…

A question not often uttered, at least not in my experience, is “what do you want?” Perhaps more nicely put: what do you expect from me?

If you’ve been off the market for a while, either because you were dating someone for a long time or just not dating anyone at all, and then find yourself “seeing someone”… this is a question that may suddenly pop up. However, that doesn’t mean it gets verbalized until it is too late.

What someone wants can be as mysterious as the sphinx, but somehow each person is supposed to be able to know instinctively. Or be capable of reading minds.

So when to ask, or decide to keep guessing? Who the hell knows. Just make sure not to ask when it is too late, or you might be missing out. What you are missing out on may not be entirely clear either though, after all: you’re dating the sphinx.

Sooner rather than later would be a good answer to the “when” part of the question. But it depends on how mysterious the lucky girl is, and how badly you want to know the potentially ugly truth of her expectations.

I can’t help but wonder whether people who are prone to cheating on their partners perhaps have a little bit of a split-personality disorder. Perhaps with a side of bi-polar, people go through life never quite finding what they want. Yet, being very happy with elements of what they do find in their partners.

Are we ultimate perfectionists if we do not find the right person to marry? Or simply out of luck? Does that same perfectionism become our own downfall when we stray for the straight and perfect path into a life of adultery when our partner does not live up to expectations?

Perhaps.

I can’t help but wonder again whether some cheating can’t be healthy. After all: all those perfectionists have to be put in their place sometime and hit their nose on reality. Nothing is perfect, and how better to teach us than that wildly inappropriate partner we accidentally fell into bed with one night, while the wife or husband was home doing the dishes?

I spoke to a man yesterday who is certainly not cheating: the second sentence coming out of his mouth involved the words “my fiance and I”. People who include their significant other in a conversation usually do not intend to cheat; they are not hiding their relationship. Anyhow, the secret to this man’s relationship success was his breakup a few years ago. His (now) fiance and him decided to call it quits on the relationship, but stay good friends. They dated other people for six months, became wildly disappointed with the offerings on the singles market and decided they weren’t so bad for each other after all. Sometimes a separation is not possible, should one really rule out an affair? It’s tricky, but in some cases the affair can be the best thing you could ever do for the relationship. For some people, polyamory does actually work to bring the original couple closer together.

“You spend too much”
“You can’t handle our investments!”
“You spend too much on take-out!”
….
….
…
And on the fight goes. Money and Sex are the two issues that breaks up most couples. One would think that in most cases, you will know fairly early on if you are sexually compatible. Finding out whether you are financially compatible with the person you are dating, may be a bit more challenging. We often don’t know how much someone makes until an advanced stage of the relationship. Even spending patterns cannot reliably hint at your date’s purchasing-power; some people spend beyond their means and may walk around with huge debts in the pockets of their hand-made, Egyptian cotton suits.

Couples who are going through a money slump often resort to either fighting unproductively, or ignoring the issue all together. Because money is such a deal-breaker in life and especially in relationships, both strategies are detrimental for couples. Instead of fighting your spouse or significant other, try setting up a financial planning session as a way of spending time together.

Get involved with your financial relationship
By both sitting down together and writing up a financial statement, you will get a clear idea of what you own, and what you owe. The health of your romantic relationships strongly depends on how healthy your financial relationship is, so sit down with all your bank statements and bills, and make an overview.

Getting your financial relationships in order
It takes motivation from both parties to amicably set a reasonable budget, and stick to it. This is one step towards a better financial relationship. The next step is to see where you can minimize costs, so you keep more money left over for fun stuff (like dating!). Consider refinancing your home, a car refinance and consolidated loans for outstanding bills. Open a line of credit to pay off your high interest credit cards and make sure you both contribute to your savings account.

Less fighting, more dating
If you are both clear on what you have, and how much you can spend, you can actually clear the air and have some fun together. Include money for dates in your budget, and be sure to budget for those “frivolous” items you feel your spouse is spending “too much” on. Whether he or she has a love of take-out coffee or expensive handbags, if you can agree on a set amount that is reasonable to spend on treats, then it can completely eliminate the fighting.

If you are neck-deep in debts, then treats may have to be taken off the table entirely for a while. You won’t be able to sort out your financial relationship unless you both agree and stick to a plan. One person putting in all the effort, and the other guzzling daily $6 coffees will only create resentment and further relationship and financial problems.

When we are young, we are told to save. Compounding and time works in your best interest if you have some money in the bank, it works against you if you owe credit card companies and other institutions.

Compounding is not just a financial phenomenon though; time and compounding work just as hard in relationships. “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me” goes the saying, and it is in a way related to this concept. After all, you can forgive, but can you really forget?

If someone does something to you, how long will you hold a grudge? Perhaps a day, a week… perhaps until he or she musters up the wisdom to say “sorry”. However, what about repeated offenses? What happens if your loved-one regularly calls you names, or regularly acts rude around you or your family. Do you really forget each time he or she says “I’m sorry”? Probably not…

Over time, the good as well as the bad compounds. So be careful what you say. Good things cannot always outdo the bad, and the last thing you should be creating is a compounding love-debt. One day your significant other may get tired of it, and take off. Leaving you wondering what you’ve done wrong. If this happened to you, and there is no clear explanation (ie. no other lover, nothing tragic in the recent past) consider if perhaps this hasn’t been brewing for some time already.